This Place is Crawling with Frankensteins

2009-10-22T16:34:00.001-07:00

Who Needs a Movie? If Fred and Sharon are making it -- Everyone!

2008-03-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

12 Super Hero Comic Book Runs That Are My Favorite

2008-03-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

Another list! This time, it's 8x as nerdy!

12 Super Hero Comic Book Runs That Are My Favorite

12. Marv Wolfman/George Perez - The New Teen Titans

11. Geoff Johns/Ethan Van Sciver/ Carlos Pacheco/ Ivan Reis - Green Lantern

10. Warren Ellis/John Cassaday - Planetary

09. Peter Milligan/Mike Allred - X-Force

08. Joss Whedon/John Cassaday - Astonishing X-Men

07. Brian Michael Bendis/Michael Gaydos - Alias

06. Warren Ellis/Bryan Hitch - Authority

05. Geoff Johns/Mike McKone - Teen Titans

04. Brad Meltzer/Ed Benes - Justice League of America

03. Brian K. Vaughan/Adrian Alphona - Runaways

02. Grant Morrison/Frank Quitely/Ethan Van Sciver/Phil Jimenez/Marc Silvestri - New X-Men

01. Alan Moore/ Stephen Bissette/ Rick Veitch - Swamp Thing

Even the Japanese Think Michael Jackson Looks Like a Raisin with Hair Extensions

2008-02-28T10:57:00.001-08:00

We are the world, indeed. While the Japanese Michael Jackson is the most hilarious, keep and eye out for Japanese Cindy Lauper.

John is sad. And a little insane.

2008-02-26T10:42:00.001-08:00

Garfield minus Garfield is a collection of Garfield comics with that asshole, Garfield, deleted.

From the site: "Who would have guessed if you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life?"

I Can Fix It. A Short Story.

2008-02-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

I CAN FIX IT
By Dylan Palmer
___

“I can fix it.”
“Not that I don’t believe you, but it’s -- let’s just say it’s in an unfortunate state.”
“I can fix it.”
“You can fix it?”
“I can fix it.”

Truth be told, Lyle didn’t know what “it” actually was. “It” may once have been a tractor or a small yacht, but now “it” was a heap of burnt plastic and wrenched chrome. Lyle licked his lips, staring down the mass of destruction. The beast in his gut was making the lust noises, and if he could have anything in the world, he would have this pile.

“Would you like to see a picture of how it looked before?”
“No.”
“Then how do you intend to repair it?”

How, indeed? The notion that there wouldn’t be any repair was not one he would allow The Owner to entertain. Lyle’s stomach tied into the kind of knot out of which you’d make a noose, but his expression remained tepid as he munched on a long strand of hay. The hay absorbed saliva so Lyle wouldn’t choke or drown in it. Hyperactive mucous production was common for males in his family.

“I don’t share my methods with strangers.”
“Excuse me if I don’t except that. This is an expensive piece of machinery. I won’t entrust its care to just anyone.”
“I have ways to repair machines that not a lot of people understand.”

The uptight middle-aged rich men, a category The Owner seemed to define, were very receptive to vagueness and implications of mysticism, Lyle found, likely for the same reason they tend to discover Zen Buddhism or Transcendental Meditation upon reaching midlife. He could almost hear the creaking of well-worn forehead muscles as The Owner raised his eyebrow. For the first time, his calm cracked, and Lyle allowed a grin to crane his lip.

“How do you mean?”
“Sometimes they talk to me, the parts, I just know how they go together.”
“That’s… very interesting.”

He nodded calmly, belying his racing heart and the slowly hardening bulge in his pants. It was a matter of minutes and distance now. Before he could caress his lovely.

“How much?”
“This is a special machine. I can see you care for it.”
“Yes. But how much will you charge for repairs?”
“We’ll talk payment after she and I have… communed.”

The man’s face hardened suddenly, like tv dinners flash-frozen at the factory, as Lyle’s turned whiter than snow on volcano rock. He dug fingernails into the palm of his hand, punishment for taking the “magic” too far. Communed? Why did he have to go and say communed?

“You’re drooling.”
“It’s hereditary.”
“It’s disgusting.”

Saliva ran down Lyle’s stalk of hay and pooled on the top of The Owner’s black wing-tip loafer. He felt his hands tremble, and if his nervous system had the ability to shine when provoked, every inch of his flesh would be lit with blinding red panic. And in Lyle’s world, panic generally led to violence.

Nothing would take the pile from him.

Before either man could think, Lyle’s hands were ratcheted to The Owner’s leathery, over-tanned throat, both their faces grossly contorted, one in rage and hatred, the other in pain and fear. Lyle’s grip tightened as The Owner’s eyes appeared to bulge, and then did bulge, from their sockets, dangling on threads of flesh that stained The Owner’s cheeks with his own brand of bloody rouge. Lyle, his grip stronger than the Sun’s on Mercury, pulled his face close to The Owner’s, and pure savagery siphoned into the shape of a man, bit into the dangling eye.

The last thing The Owner saw was Lyle eating his eyes, and it wasn’t the lack of oxygen that killed him, but the horror-induced heart attack.

Lyle wiped pink saliva from his mouth, discarding The Owner and stepping nearer his mangled mechanical beauty. He softly ran fingertips over dents, cracks, splinters, shards, breaks, tears, twists, bends, scorches. And when he finally let his pants drop to the dusty ground, he shuddered with pleasure.

Music of 2007 that is my Favorite

2008-01-27T15:05:00.000-08:00

Songs, Top 15

15. Foundations - Kate Nash

14. A Bell and Tumble - Ferraby Lionheart

13. A Hand to Take Hold of the Scene - Okkervil River

12. Dashboard - Modest Mouse

11. Genesis - Justice

10. Plus Ones - Okkervil River

9. I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You - Black Kids

8. Down Boy - Yeah Yeah Yeahs/ Umbrella (feat. Jay-Z) - Rihanna

7. I Feel It All - Feist

6. Ice Cream - Muscles

5. Mistaken for Strangers - The National

4. Music is my Hot Hot Sex - CSS

3. Objects of My Affection - Peter Bjorn and John

2. All I Need - Radiohead

1. Fireworks - Animal Collective

Albums, Top 10

10. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are you the Destroyer?

9. Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero

8. Black Lips - Good Bad Not Evil

7. Panda Bear - Person Pitch

6. Okkervil River - The Stage Names

5. Black Kids - Wizard of Ahhhs

4. Dinosaur Jr. - Beyond

3. The National - Boxer

2. Justice - †

1. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam

Movies in 2007 That Are My 10 Favorite

2008-01-17T12:40:00.000-08:00

The first in a series of Things in 2007 That Are My 10 Favorite lists. Because I loves me a good list.

Movies.

10. Ghost Rider

Anyone who claims Ghost Rider is an unfaithful adaptation of the comic is missing the point: a demon with a flaming skull who rides a motorcycle that is also on fire will never be cool. It will always, especially in movies, be lame. Embracing that lameness is the in(sane)comparable Nic Cage, a man who, historically, just does not. Give. A fuck. There is giddiness in every frame. It is a joyous movie experience. I love every second.

9. Futurama: Bender's Big Score

Futurama is the funniest show that has ever been on TV. The movie follows that tradition by bringing the crazy, the goofy, and the heart-y in equal measure. It was released straight to DVD, and I'm not sure how legit that makes it, movie-wise, but it was the funniest piece of anything I've seen all year. It, in fact, took the place on this list of the other best comedy of the year: Knocked Up.

8. The Bourne Ultimatum

As I left this movie, I could only say one thing, and I said it over and over again: "That was just so... smart." It was like a punch in the face (the good kind...?) to see an action-espionage movie that actually treated the audience like people who can think, rather than eight year olds with Downs Syndrome (i.e., Live Free or Die Hard). And it takes an amazing movie to retroactively make you care about the series' most wooden character, by turning her into the tragic victim of the series.

7. Zodiac

There were so many scenes in this movie. And the fact that each of them mattered is a feat to be admired. There is not an ounce of fat on this rocket-ship of a murder mystery. Some of the most innovative computer-graphics-use makes this one of the most technically impressive movies of the year.

6. There Will Be Blood

Paul Thomas Anderson is singlehandedly responsible for my entry into movie-buff-hood. His Magnolia made me see what movies could be. That said, TWBB is his most accomplished work, a portrait of a man who wants to be human, but can't accomplish the task. There is a moment in the movie when you think he might be able to grasp happiness and ultimately redeem himself... but his ambition and thirst for glory blows it up with a demonic ferocity. It also speaks volumes that I was engrossed despite the fact that I had broken up with my first love only hours before seeing it.

5. Lars and the Real Girl

Not since Shaun of the Dead have I left a movie thinking, "I would have been proud to make that movie." Its clever-clever strangeness never eats the story (yes, Juno, I am talking to you), and the heart of its personal-connection-fearing protagonist carries us through to the equal-parts-sad-and-heartwarming conclusion. Easily my favorite screenplay of the year.

4. No Country For Old Men

Sparse. Simple. Meticulous. Who knew a character looking at the sole of his boot could be so affective?

3. Grindhouse

Death Proof is the only movie of the year that had me on my feet cheering by the end. One of the best car chases on film and one of the most satisfying final 5 minutes I've ever seen. Planet Terror, on the other hand, appeals to every ounce of 80s movie love I have in my body and was almost as fun as Ghost Rider. Coupled with Death Proof, the experience was a pleasant one.

2. Once

Sweet music, bittersweet romance. I'm there. I had a smile on my face the whole time. Until the end. When smiling was inappropriate.

1. Sunshine

Those who criticize this movie for falling apart in the third act can go eat a school bus (which, I'm sure, would be painful for them). It's 2001 meets Halloween where religion and logic literally, physically beat each other to shit. It's a spaceship movie with a monster, about how religion eats everything good in the world. How could it not be my favorite movie of the year?